Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Keep on the Shadowfell: Part Eleven

This is part eleven of a continuing series documenting the deeds (sometimes heroic) of the adventurers (sometimes worthy) that I DM for once a fortnight. It's primarily here so I can remember what the hell was going on in the last session. See all previous entries here.

After a considerable hiatus our heroes were back to take on the 2nd level of the Keep. Having reached the hobgoblin guard room they failed to provide the correct passphrase and instantly betrayed that a) They had killed Ninarin, Kalarel's ally, and b) They were the enemy and should be summarily attacked. The attacking did ensue summarily!

No less than 8 hobgoblin grunts and soldiers descended upon Searos, Marroar, Giovana, Scrindrel and Malachi, while one sneaky hobgoblin went to the north to uncage a giant Deathjump Spider. Our adventurers made light work of the hobgoblins, with a combination of sneak attacks, divine lights, warhammers, arrows and thunderous waves. Even the physics-defying spider eventually lost a leg and succumbed to a holy incineration.

Journeying further eastward into the Keep, and then south, Searos triggered a trick flagstone and a portcullis slammed down in front of the party blocking their way. They instead decided to try their luck to the north, where they encountered further hobgoblin resistance in the form of more grunts and soldiers, who this time had an archer and a warcaster amongst them. For a change of pace, Searos decided to hang his warhammer up and unsheath the mighty sword that Sir Keegan had given to him. Upon wiedling it, he felt a strange sensation move through his hands and around the rest of his body. He immediately put the blade to good use slaying hobgoblins.

At first it seemed like a normal encounter, until the warcaster sent forth a magical blast that knocked everyone on their backs and caused them severe damage. Another evil burst came from the warcaster, and Giovana was knocked out and dying. Searos, the only other healer in the group, neglected to tend to her however, and was more distracted with defeating a hobgoblin soldier he had taken a personal dislike to. The fight descended into a punching, spitting, pommelling brawl, with Searos only able to see red as he grew more aggressive and irrational.

Finally, with Giovana close to death, and Marroar and Malachi having taken heavy damage, the warcaster and the remaining hobgoblin soldier were slain. The decision was made to return to Winterhaven again for more supplies and to recuperate.

With more delays in defeating Kalarel, will his evil powers grow ever stronger? What is happening to Searos? Will Scrindrel grab any bargains in Winterhaven? Stay tuned to find out!

Thursday, 13 June 2013

Keep on the Shadowfell: Part Ten

This is part ten of a continuing series documenting the deeds (sometimes heroic) of the adventurers (sometimes worthy) that I DM for once a fortnight. It's primarily here so I can remember what the hell was going on in the last session. See all previous entries here.

At the end of the last (basically undocumented) session, our heroes had returned to Winterhaven to find the local graveyard had turned into some sort of recruiting ground for a Zombie army, led my Ninnarin, a mysterious elf who had appeared in the town at the start of the campaign, and was now revealed to be an agent of Kalarel. Long story short - 1 dead elf and a bunch of dead zombies.

The party finally had a chance to rest and recuperate, to explore the town some more and stock up on supplies. Much bartering was done, with Marroar upgrading to a +2 staff of Dubious Suggestibility and Scrindrel failing to bargain his way to a +2 longbow. Searos prayed to Avandra, and Malachi became very interested in exactly how many guardsmen there were protecting the town.

A small fight broke out in Bearwin's shop, forcing him to close early, but oddly Malachi seemed to emerge from the shop's front door some time after it had been locked, looking significantly better off in terms of potions and alchemist's fire. The team set off again, to continue their exploration of the Keep.

Returning to the maze of caves that had previously outwitted them, the party felt fully revitalised and able to dispatch the Kruthiks with ease. Later however, in the chamber of the mysterious pool, the party could still not be drawn to battle the magical ooze, despite the obvious treasure residing in the central island. An ill-thought out mage hand was summoned by Marroar to try to carry some gold back across the acidic water, but it clumsily dropped most of the coins, which instantly dissolved.

Finally, the stairs to the second level were reached. Below, in a large lit chamber, a hobgoblin issued a challenge phrase: "Shadow seeks shadow!" Recalling a note that had been found on Ninnarin and addressed to Kalarel, the party replied: "From the ground, some magic was found!"

However, this phrase had been placed with Ninnarin as a trap, and the hobgoblins knew straight away that their comrade was dead, and these folk were the culprits!

DM Notes: 1. Malachi is the only member of the party who is not Good or Lawful Good, which makes his character lots of fun to DM. I can't give away too much (because my other players are supposed to read this!) but some other gameplay occurred that only Malachi's player is aware of, and to achieve this we used Roll20's whisper functionality. Give it a try. 2. The pool of magical acid is completely different to the one in the published Keep on the Shadowfell adventure, which is a sort of large blob that occupies a 2x2 square and moves around a pool of actual water. A few weeks ago when the players first reached this area, I was underprepared and over-tired (which is pretty much every game) and went with my first recollection of what the pool was supposed to be. It's made it a much harder enemy, that they are yet to defeat, but it's also generated some funny roleplaying moments, and that's more important than accurate combat situations. How many of your players have a prosthetic wooden toe? 3. This session was sponsored (or at least, lubricated) by Potholder, a lovely Cheddar Golden Ale.

The Beastles: Ill Submarine



djBC has released Ill Submarine, a new Beastles mash-up album, dedicated to the memory of Adam Yauch (the Beastie's MCA). Go get it now! It's awesome. And if you're new to the Beastles, here's the back-catalogue (enjoy it before it gets taken down again!)

I remember when I first heard the Beastles on a mash-up special of The Sounds in My Head. I was late to the game, and the 2 albums were difficult to track down anywhere on the interwebs (they had been the subject of take-down notices from those kind record company folk). As I recall, I used that old trick of turning Google into a public-directory-mp3 search engine. Since then I've listened The Beastles and Let It Beast countless times, and these tracks are almost always in my car, either in full-album form or in another mix. Thanks djBC!

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Keep on the Shadowfell: Part Nine (sort of)

This is part nine of a continuing series documenting the deeds (sometimes heroic) of the adventurers (sometimes worthy) that I DM for once a fortnight. It's primarily here so I can remember what the hell was going on in the last session. After a 3 week hiatus I have failed spectacularly to document the session, and instead I present here the only surviving record of the evening: the Notes of Searos.


(Note: Tim tired + little drunk)

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Keep on the Shadowfell: Part Eight

This is part eight of a continuing series documenting the deeds (sometimes heroic) of the adventurers (sometimes worthy) that I DM for once a fortnight. It's primarily here so I can remember what the hell was going on in the last session. I knew last time was too good to be true (when I wrote it up within 24 hours). It's been nearly 2 weeks now so parts of this are likely to be mixtures of what I can remember, what I wrote down, and what I've watched on YouTube recently. See all previous entries here.

When we last left our heroes they had just been awarded an enchanted sword by the dead yet curiously talkative Sir Keegan. Concluding their conversation, they were distracted by a sound and realised that their occasional ally Splug had followed them!

Malachi, who was particularly interested in reuniting Splug with some of his finer locksmith's tools, led the party as they gave chase to Splug, who seemed to be leading them back towards the excavation site.  When they arrived, they discovered that Splug had disappeared through a previously unknown door to the south. Proceeding through they found a maze of caves, dotted with massive stalagmites and stalactites*. As they attempted to negotiate their way through they were repeatedly beset upon by giant rats.

Finally reaching the end chamber, they were attached by a massive Ochre Jelly, which at one point split into 2 medium size Ochre Jellies, and took repeated poundings before it eventually exploded in a sticky mess. Um... yeah. Okay. Moving on.

Hiding in the corner of the chamber, Splug was detected. and ruthlessly interrogated. Could he offer any more useful information to the group to prove his loyalty? Only that there was a pool of magical healing water to the west. Again he tried to run. "Stop him!" the group cried, and as Splug ran past Scrindrel, the good Elf let loose an arrow, hoping it might skim Splug's calf and slow him down. Unfortunately, Scrindrel was such a good shot that it entered the back of Splug's head and came out through his eye socket.

Splug immediately crumpled to the ground, letting out blood-curdling cries. "Nobody panic!" shouted Malachi, "I'm a locksmith!", and he ran over to provide assistance. Malachi, confused about what constituted sensible medical procedure at the time, wiggled the arrow but to no avail. Splug let out horrific cries of agony, and blacked out. Unable to see over Malachi's back in the cramped conditions, the rest of the group did their best to help by casting magical healing spells towards Splug, and he was revived once more. Malachi seized the opportunity to wiggle the arrow some more, in a clockwise motion, and Splug let out yet more screams that would haunt the nightmares of someone who watched a lot of horror movies and was really quite de-sensitized to that sort of thing.

"It's no good," Malachi sighed, "I can't save him." Having previously picked up Splug's body in a last attempt at medical intervention, he dropped it unceremoniously on the floor, skull first.

Artist's Impression
"I just meant to stop him - I, I..." Scrindrel tailed off, aghast at his terrible actions. "What have I done?" He was immediately sick all up one of the walls.

Recovering from their loss, the group re-grouped (groups tend to do that) and went to investigate the rest of the cavern. Scrindrel took some encouragement to move as he was still horrified by his actions. He continued to protest that the party should abandon their quest, now that he was beginning to question everything they had done.

Towards the west they found a tunnel covered by large bronze doors, into which had been scratched the words: "Stay Out. Really." Venturing in, they beheld a shimmering blue pool, in the centre of which was a small island and an assortment of interesting objects. Assuming this was the healing pool that Splug had described, Marroar dipped his toe into the water. Unfortunately his toe did not return with the rest of his foot, as it was immediately disintegrated by the magical acid of the evil pool.

"Ow my fucking foot!" he exclaimed, hopping away, and a smile spread across Scrindrel's face - Splug truly had been a bastard, so it was okay that he shot him through the face.

Following the subsequent discovery of a lair of Kruthiks, the group decided that maybe they had had enough adventuring for the time being, and decided to limp back to Winterhaven to rest and restock their provisions. However, returning to the town, they found that dead had risen in the local graveyard and some zombie dispatching was therefore required. Can't they catch a break?

* During the writing of this update, I originally mistyped "stalactites" as "stalactittties". However, several Google image searches have been unsuccessful in shedding any light on what these may look like.

Monday, 13 May 2013

Kinshasa - Francis Bebey

Apropos of nothing, I just had to share this little gem with you:

Thursday, 9 May 2013

One Page Dungeon Contest 2013 Slideshows

Random Wizard has done an amazing job putting all of the entries for the 2013 One Page Dungeon Contest into browsable flickr and imgur slideshows.

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Rick Berman sums up Star Trek 2

Thursday, 2 May 2013

Adventure Time: Hey Ice King! Why'd You Steal Our Garbage?!! OST

I'm slightly overcome by this convergence of several things I love: the free availability of independent music (especially when it contains hints of chip tune), the embeddable goodness of the awesome service that is SoundCloud, and the mathematical cartoon Adventure Time. D3Publisher has released the original soundtrack for Adventure Time: Hey Ice King! Why'd You Steal Our Garbage?!! and you can listen to the whole algebraic thing right here:


Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Roll20 adds API, javascript your dungeons!

The amazing Roll20 has revealed a new alpha feature, a Javascript API that lets you automate all sorts of actions inside your games, from automatically identifying monsters as bloodied/dead (which would save me a lot of faffing about) to traps and boss reveals. Take a look at the promo video:


You need to be a paid mentor ($9.99 a month / $99 a year) to use the API but if that's a bit steep for you it's still worth becoming a paid supporter ($4.99 a month / $49 a year) just to get the dynamic lighting effect.

And if you're flat broke like me, Roll20's free service is still awesome and should be thanked for enabling people to play roleplaying games anytime, anywhere.

Friday, 12 April 2013

Keep on the Shadowfell: Part Seven

This is part seven of a continuing series documenting the deeds (sometimes heroic) of the adventurers (sometimes worthy) that I DM for once a fortnight. It's primarily here so I can remember what the hell was going on in the last session, and holy shit here I am writing it up less than 24 hours after the session, as opposed to 8 or 9 days! See all previous entries here.

Searos, Marroar, Scrindrel, Giovana and Malachi were deep inside the first level of Shadowfell Keep. When we last left them, they had defeated numerous zombies in some sort of Hall of Runes. They had a final room full of them to get through before they would be able to approach a mysterious hazy light in a passageway to the east. The zombies at first seemed troublesome, grabbing Marroar and immobilising him, but he quickly freed himself and with a thunderous magical wave the weaker zombies crumbled to dust. Malachi, the rogue locksmith, was able to deliver some sneaky backstabbing action, and the room was soon cleared.

Two racks of decrepit armour hung on the north and south walls, and when approached, a magical thundering voice boomed forth with a riddle, which cannot be repeated here due to copyright issues. The group's first answer to the riddle was incorrect, and the magical voice expressed its disappointment, again with a phrase owned by Wizards of the Coast. On their second attempt, the group guessed the correct word and were rewarded with magical iron scale armour and a mysterious black cube.

The cube (which I can tell you about, because it's an addition to this published adventure) had 4 red recessed tiles around its middle, and on the top on the bottom displayed the abyssal runes for Time and Death. Marroar depressed two of the sides, one after the other and found that around him, time had stopped! Sadly the sides remained in place; the object had a finite number of uses.

Searos donned his newly acquired magical armour, and handed down his chain-mail to Giovana. Bravely, our adventurers then entered the next chamber, a long crypt intersected with a wider chamber at the end, making the shape of a crucifix. Its walls were lined with upright sarcophagi. A shimmering light beckoned the party forwards but as they reached the centre of the room, skeletal warriors were dispensed from each sarcophagus. A fierce battle ensued (they usually do) before Scrindrel found two alters at the north and south end of the larger chamber, under a giant domed ceiling which bore the likeness of Bahamut, the Platinum Dragon God. Scrindrel guessed correctly that a prayer must be offered to end the onslaught, but was unable to read the draconic inscription on the altars* and had to wait for Malachi to fight his way through the continually spawning skeletons before he could finally read the prayer aloud. Having done so, all of the skeletons returned to their tombs and a giant door to Sir Keegan's reseting place was unlocked.

Entering the small chamber where the knight's coffin lay, Searos attempted to disturb its lid, and it blew open, the terrifying remains of Sir Keegan himself leaping out and drawing his sword. He proceeded to question the adventurers as to their true intentions, as he suspected that they were here to profit from the evil of the rift. Finally they convinced him they were here to seal it once and for all, and he offered them his enchanted sword to help them achieve the great task.

Suddenly, their discussion was interrupted by the reappearance of Splug, the goblin who had double crossed them! Cliffhanger!

* DM Notes: In the published adventure, any sort of prayer or offering to Bahamut would have been enough to make the skeletons retire and end the encounter, but at the time this felt like it would have ended the combat too soon and not been enough of a challenge, so I decided that someone who spoke Draconic had to read out the inscription of the altar first. I quite like adapting the material to the players and their actions as I go, and improvising new stuff to help the story progress. While I'm on the subject, the cube is not in the original adventure either, but I'm conscious that Shadowfell can be a bit turn/combat heavy so I like to introduce more roleplaying elements here and there. I'm sure you guessed that Marvin Padraig was invented on the fly to move things in the right direction as well!

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Overclocked Remix

How did I not know about this before? I just found all the music I'll need for the next few years at least at http://ocremix.org/remixes/

Monday, 8 April 2013

Keep on the Shadowfell: Part Six

This is part six of a continuing series documenting the deeds (sometimes heroic) of the adventurers (sometimes worthy) that I DM for once a fortnight. It's primarily here so I can remember what the hell was going on in the last session, although usually I've forgotten most of it by the time I come to write it up. See all previous entries here.

Disclaimer: Details are getting really sketchy. I really, really, really have to do this closer to the actual date of play next time. Also, this was a combat-heavy session, which was due in part to me forgetting to include a puzzle room at one stage. I'll work it into the next session. I'm very tired.

Having previously discovered a secret passageway, our noble adventurers followed it to discover the sleeping quarters of the goblin leader. And there he was, in all his obesity, fast asleep in his bunk. As our party are fair and honourable, but ultimately self-serving folk, a sword was stuck into Balgron (for it was he) as quickly as possible. Unfortunately this was not enough to finish him off, and he leapt from his bed and gathered a small handheld crossbow. A short, tense, cramped and comical battle ensued, at the end of which Balgron lay dead with various bolts and arrows protruding from his head and neck. Keys were found about his person and thus his treasure was verily robbed.

Having entered the stronghold through the secret passageway, our adventurers then exited via the main entrance, encountering armed goblin warriors along the way. It's the usual routine - swords, warhammers, arrows, spells and powers = dead goblins. You know the drill.

Having now started three paragraphs with the word "having" (including this one), Searos, Marroar, Scrindrel, Giovana and Malachi discovered that the keys they had acquired from the big fat dead goblin would allow them to unlock one of the doors in the original main chamber, and permit them further travel into the keep.

They entered a pitch-black chamber. Lighting their torches, they were presented with a maze of corridors. Terrible groans could be heard in the distance. Strange runes were found on the floor which had to be crossed in order to proceed further; in turn, each member of the party attempted to jump them. Those who failed and landed on the runes were suddenly filled with an overwhelming terror and attempted to flee the area, before finally coming to their senses a few moments later.

Suddenly, zombies attacked! It's not all goblins you know! Thankfully they were no match for the thunderous waves of a certain wizard. The zombies attempted to grab and hold on to our adventurers, but why? To save them for a snack for later? Or to attempt to rekindle some kind of human compassion through a simple act of affection? In any case, they were all eventually beheaded.

Our adventurers now approach Sir Keegan's final resting place, but not before they have to do that thing that I forgot about last time!

Saturday, 23 March 2013

Keep on the Shadowfell: Part Five

This is part five of a continuing series documenting the deeds (sometimes heroic) of the adventurers (sometimes worthy) that I DM for once a fortnight. It's primarily here so I can remember what the hell was going on in the last session, although usually I've forgotten most of it by the time I come to write it up. See all previous entries here.

Having defeated the first batch of goblins in their guard room at the entrance to the Keep, our party were left with various exits to consider. Passageways and locked doors led to the west and south respectively, and as they were examining their surroundings, Scrindrel the Ranger heard faint screams from the north-west.

Following their previous misfortune with traps, the adventurers approached cautiously and, after passing a storeroom, found a what appeared to be a torture chamber, complete with assorted blood stains, iron maiden*, rack, tables of various implements of torture, and a terrifying hobgoblin eager to use them. Flanked by further goblin warriors, the hobgoblin attempted to bullrush Searos into the iron maiden but was unsuccessful. One of the goblin warriors tried to lure Marroar into a cage in the corner, but just made a fool of himself over a prolonged period of time. Malachi made some critical back stab sneak attacks, Scrindrel showered the enemies with arrows, and Giovana was at hand with divine healing and/or killing rays (depending on your allegiance to Giovana). Again, I'm paraphrasing. I should really write these the next day or something.

Shortly before the end of the battle, Scrindrel and Malachi found a naked beaten goblin in a cell by the name of Splug, who promised to help the adventurers in return for his freedom. Scrindrel was prepared to make such a deal, and Malachi offered Splug interesting new bone configurations to consider should he try to double-cross them. In the meantime however, their alliance was cemented through the process of Malachi using Splug as a human goblin shield.

Once the goblins were defeated along with their hobgoblin leader, Splug dressed himself in the armour of his former torturers, and relayed all the useful information he could about the surrounding environs. He was familiar with various rooms used by the goblins, including an excavation to the east. He also knew that their leader was Balgron the Fat, and that there was a secret passage that led directly to his quarters. He was unable to provide any further useful information, despite encouraging threats of bodily violence from Malachi.

The party decided to investigate the excavation to the east next, and in the approaching corridor found a secret passageway that they assumed led to Balgron's quarters. However, they failed in stealth and, alerted to their presence, the goblins in the excavation attacked, flanked by two guard drakes.

Another fierce battle commenced. The excavation site made it very difficult - the large chamber contained patches of the original floor dotted around like islands between massive trenches where the goblins had dugs to depths of up to 10ft in search of something. Rickety planks connected these ladders, and it was Searos who found out the hard way that these planks simply weren't designed for dwarves who wore heavy armour and had a penchant for carbohydrates.

Finally the battle was won, and the party could regroup before taking Balgron's quarters. Stay tuned! Next time: An increase in story accuracy guaranteed!

* As it was pointed out to me during the game, Iron Maiden's were never actually a real-life middle-ages torture device. Did you know that Dragons aren't real either?


Sunday, 10 March 2013

Subversion errors and inodes

Here's a couple of things I ran into today that you may find useful. I've been running some I/O comparisons with SVN servers, tuning mod_svn, and basically comparing various physical disk configurations to EC2 based solutions, where the I/O throughput you get largely depends on the phases of the moon. Anyway, in the process of hastily setting up various Apache servers here and there, I spotted this error when trying to checkout from an SVN repo on the command line:

Subversion error: Repository moved permanently to ********* please relocate

The location the repo had moved to was invariably the location I'd already specified, and the odd thing was I didn't get this error when viewing the repo in a browser. I'd confused myself by having a complicated LDAP-backed authentication scheme in the way, but the problem basically boiled down to this:

When you set up your virtual host, your DocumentRoot and your SVNParentPath can't be the same, otherwise Apache gets confused with how to serve them, although, surprisingly, not to a web browser.

The other little snag I came across while doing all sorts of multiple checkouts of massive repos to measure I/O was this silly little annoyance:

svn: Can't open file: No space left on device

Which was annoying because I'd leave the checkout running for ages and come back to find it hanging on this. Of course, it's checking out to a massive logical volume on a massive disk with plenty of free space. So where's the problem?

Well, in a blast from the past, it's simply a matter of running out of inodes. Not something you come across every day, so relatively easy to miss (especially when you're working on a Sunday. Why are you doing that anyway?). A simple df -i will show you what's what. How you give yourself a file system with more inodes is up to you of course.

Thursday, 7 March 2013

Sugru is awesome and you should go buy some now

Sugru is an amazing success story, and it's one of those rare things - a new product that is actually useful, serves a purpose and makes the world a better place. It's a self-setting rubber you can mould by hand that sets into a strong flexible rubber, and it can be used to fix or enhance almost anything. B&Q are trialling it for 3 months so if you see some in one of their shops, buy it!


Start your journey on the road to fixing and making things, and maybe one day, you'll be like Ron Swanson:


Friday, 1 March 2013

Keep on the Shadowfell: Part Four

This is part four of a continuing series documenting the heroic deeds of the worthy adventurers I DM for once a fortnight. It's primarily here so I can remember what the hell was going on in the last game. Read parts: one, two and three.

Kobolds, kobolds and more kobolds. That's all our adventurers had seen for days it seemed. But finally they were all slain, and it was time to return to Winterhaven to claim their reward. At Wrafton's Inn they were proclaimed the heroes of Winterhaven, and Lord Padraig handed over their promised reward of 250 gold pieces.

While enjoying a hearty breakfast, Marroar, Searos, Scrindrel and Giovana were approached by an entrepreneurial tiefling named Malachi, who, on seeing their reward of gold, fancied that the party had good luck with their adventures and wished to join them. They agreed.

The townspeople were acting strangely. Though they were certainly grateful for the absence of Kobolds, they could tell there was some new evil afoot, something even more sinister than before. The party sought Valthrun the Prescient and told him of their recent encounters. As the town's scholar, he immediately linked the strange activity to the legends of the nearby ruined Keep, suspecting the Kobolds were part of a plot to reopen the rift. The stories told that the rift led to no less than the unholy sanctuary of Orcus, the demon lord of the undead, and that if it were opened, terrible monsters would be unleashed on the world and would devour Winterhaven, just for starters.

Valthrun also told the party of Sir Keegan, last commander of the keep garrison, who eighty years ago appeared to go mad and murder everyone under his command, and then his own wife and children. His ghost is rumoured to still haunt the keep. Valthrun urged our adventurers to seal the rift, before Orcus' minions of the undead were released again.

Sounds like fun, everyone thought.

And so, they made preparations for the daunting task ahead. After some careful bartering at Bairwin's Grand Shoppe, Marroar was able to trade an antique mirror for a +1 magical staff. Healing potions and alchemist's fire were purchased. In addition, much upgrading of armour occurred. Searos did lots of interesting and important stuff that I seem to have largely forgotten, due to a particularly nasty cold I had on the weekend. Sorry.

Finally, the party set out for the keep.

Approaching the ruins, the forest turned quiet and everyone was filled with an eerie sense of dread. Although the above ground structure had been felled by years of decay, it was clear that there had been a recent disturbance of the rocks, and a path had been cleared to some steps that led downwards.

Entering what appeared to be an underground guard room, a single Goblin Warrior waited at the end of a corridor, eyeing the adventurers cautiously. Malachi, the brave new tiefling, ran forwards to attack, and immediately fell into a cleverly disguised pit trap. Luckily he was able to climb out shortly after, and escape a swarm of poisonous rats. Disturbed by the noise, several more Goblin guards appeared, and a fierce battle ensued.

Again, much of the details have been lost to massive doses of Lemsip I'm afraid. I'll do better next time.

Needless to say, our party was victorious, and now faces a labyrinth of terrifying tunnels and malicious monsters, tempting treasures and terrible traps. Stay tuned!


Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Please pay extra to not suffer this terrible film in 3D

Here's the conversation I had a few weekends ago with the Vue Cinemas ticket booking system on their website:

Me: I'd like to book some tickets please.
Vue: Sure, go right ahead.
Me: So it's me and 3 kids, this showing please.
Vue: Okay, here's the ticket price.
Me: Great.
Vue: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and give me some more money.
Me: What? Why?
Vue: It's a booking fee. For using the service.
Me: But I'm buying the service. Why do I have to pay to buy the service?
Vue: Think of it like a tip. Or a tax. Or if someone stole from you.
Me: But the fee is higher than the price of one of these tickets.
Vue: Sure, well if you don't want to book online, just turn up and pay at the kiosk.
Me: Maybe I will.
Vue: Of course, unless you get here early we may have sold out of tickets for that particular screening.
Me: I see.
Vue: And then you'll have to go see the 3D version instead. We'll have plenty of tickets left for that. 
Me: But I don't want to see the film in 3D! It's a horrible gimmick that adds nothing to the cinematic experience! The picture quality is lousy and you have ridiculous plastic glasses in your peripheral vision all the time!
Vue: What else are you going to do? Go home without seeing any movie at all? Disappoint your kids like that?
Me: Fine! I'll pay the booking fee.
Vue: Good choice. Click here.
Me: Okay.

(time passes)

Me: I clicked. Why aren't you doing anything?
Vue: Hi, how can I help you?
Me: I was trying to book tickets?
Vue: Oh yeah, sorry. I must have drifted off there. Please try again. Click here.
Me: Okay.

(more time passes)

Me: Hello?
Vue: Hi, how can I help you?
Me: Seriously? You keep timing out.
Vue: Oh sorry. Yeah that happens some times. I think I need an upgrade... maybe if we increased the booking fee we could afford it. Please try again.
Me: Okay.
Vue: Hmm, your payment has been declined due to a fraud check. It might mean that someone is trying to use your card over and over again with the same merchant. 
Me: DUDE WTF

(rage quit)

Keep on the Shadowfell: Part Three

This is part three of a continuing series documenting the heroic deeds of the worthy adventurers I DM for once a fortnight. It's primarily here so I can remember what the hell was going on in the last game. Read parts: one, two.

So it was that our brave group of adventurers, Searos, Marroar, Scrindrel and Giovana, were unable to shake Marvin, son of Lord Padraig, and his irritable tendency to remind them about the whole Kobold thing every 5 minutes. Marvin led them finally to the site of the Kobold hide-out, carved into the rock beneath a waterfall.

Led by Scrindrel the Ranger, the group crept stealthily towards the Kobolds using the trees as cover, completely undetected until Searos, the fat-footed, stood on a massive branch and snapped it in twain. The Kobolds attacked! The battle can only be described as lengthy and complicated, so numerous were the Kobolds, but there was much clashing of swords, loosing of arrows and casting of spells. Before the final Kobold was slain he was able to flee into the caves to warn his comrades that they were under attack.

Thus, when our brave adventurers entered the caves they were immediately presented with interesting new opportunities for death. Larger and more heavily-armed Kobolds awaited, and the battle continued. At several moments our party thought they had met their match, and had to retreat to heal themselves. Giovana the cleric was kept very busy tending to the injuries of those who kept rolling shitty dice.

Upon seeing the leader of the Kobolds, Irontooh, a giant snarling wretch dressed in skulls and mis-matched fabrics, Marvin leapt into a terrible rage! For Irontooth had once brutally murdered Marvin's cat, for no apparent reason! Marvin, unable to realise when he was overpowered, or to take a hint, kept attacking Irontooth, despite being almost killed several times by his dual battleaxe-wielding prowess.

At long last, exhausted and bloodied, Marroar, Scrindrel and the rest of of them (you should know their names by now) defeated Irontooh, and claimed his reasonable hold of treasure, which included some fetching new +1 dwarven chainmail for Searos.

Now our party must return to Winterhaven to rest, to heal their wounds, and to get rid of Marvin, who frankly, is just a fucking liability.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Rage

If the 1&1 Internet web-based control panel was a physical object, and it was within my reach, right now this would be happening:


Keep on the Shadowfell: Part Two


This is part two of a continuing series documenting the heroic deeds of the worthy adventurers I DM for once a fortnight. It's primarily here so I can remember what the hell was going on in the last game. Read part one here.

On the King's Road outside Winterhaven our brave adventurers Searos, Marroar and Scrindrel were recovering after a near-death encounter with some bloodthirsty kobolds. Lacking a healer in the group, the fight had been hard-going. But as luck would have it, a cleric from Winterhaven had heard of their brave plans and decided to join them. Giovana Bruno was her name, and healing spells were her game.

As the newly rejuvinated party were about to set off in search of the dragon's burial site, more good fortune befell them as another brave adventurer joined them. Marvin, son of Lord Padraig, had come at his father's behest to aid the party in defeating the kobolds, who had been a blight on the town of Winterhaven for far too long.

The party alighted on the dragon's burial site, a huge excavation punching a hole in the wilderness. The dig was being manned by several simple looking humanoids, under the direction of a shady looking gnome, and guarded by 2 fearsome drakes.

At first Agrid the gnome tried to convince Marroar and co. that there was nothing of interest in the dig and that they should move along. But as soon as he realised that the adventurers weren't going to give up so easily, he beckoned them closer, luring them into the path of the guard drakes. At an opportunistic moment, he commanded them to attack. The humanoids also turned their tools into weapons and descended.

A fierce battle broke out. As the guard drakes bit viciously at Giovana and Marvin, a strange spectral apparition appeared on the opposite site of the excavation. It appeared to be none other than Kalarel himself! He immediately cast dark magic, and an evil cloud of smoke flew around Marroar, forming terrible claws and paralysing him in mid-air.

Scrindrel took up a sniping position and began to loose arrows at the evil priest. Marroar was able to free himself from the evil smoky claws but they then reformed around Scrindrel. Giovana summoned her deity's light to smite the humanoids, as Marvin continued to tackle the drakes, and Searos headed for Agrid to take him out.

As each humanoid was slain, terrible words of magic were heard from Kalarel and they were reanimated as undead soldiers. Marroar cast a terrible thunder wave which destroyed most of the humanoids and bloodied the drakes, and finally Scrindrel freed himself of the terrible smoke and continued his assault on Kalarel.

Eventually the undead humanoids and the drakes were slain. Searos and Agrid were locked in a terrible dance of gnome-on-dwarf violence. Hammer strikes and pick-axe blows were traded back and forth by the vertically-challenged foes. In a dying breath, Agrid screamed "Kalarel! I have failed you!" and collapsed in a moderate-sized heap. Finally the group could turn their attention to destroying Kalarel, but as he was defeated they realised that he was just a spectral apparition, and not the real Kalarel.

Searching the dig site, bound and gagged and hidden under some blankets, Marroar discovered Douven, the explorer who had been missing from Thornvale for many weeks. Delighted to be freed, he made a gift of a +1 Amulet of Health to the group, and went on his way.

The party was overjoyed by their triumph (and edging ever closer to levelling up). But Marvin reminded them of his father's quest, and after making camp and enjoying a good rest, they set out to destroy the kobolds once and for all.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Missing Loops in Garageband

If your new Mac came with Garageband, I bet you're itching to try out some fancy loop mixing and become the next Fat Boy Slim (showing my age). Heads up! You're going to suck. But before you even find out you suck, Garageband will tell you it doesn't have any loops, and that you need to download them with the Software Update app (really the App Store now).

So, the App Store opens up and says: Sorry bro, no updates for you. Why The Face?

This seems to be a long standing bug, but it's easy to circumvent. Open up a terminal and type the following (it'll prompt you for your password):

sudo softwareupdate --list

You should see:

Software Update Tool
Copyright 2002-2010 Apple

Software Update found the following new or updated software:
   * GBExtraContent-1.0
GarageBand Instruments and Apple Loops (1.0), 1170290K [recommended]

See? They're available really. App Store / Software Update is just being stupid. Now type:

sudo softwareupdate --install GBExtraContent-1.0

And you should see:

Software Update Tool
Copyright 2002-2010 Apple

Downloading GarageBand Instruments and Apple Loops
   990 KB of 1.2 GB
   3.2 MB of 1.2 GB — About 5 minutes
   5.5 MB of 1.2 GB — About 5 minutes
   7.7 MB of 1.2 GB — About 4 minutes
   9.5 MB of 1.2 GB — About 5 minutes...

... and so on. Next time you open Garageband, you should have access to all those fancy new loops (that seem to account for half of all TV and advertising incidental music these days).

But you might need to rebuild your loops index. To do this, open Garageband and go to the loops browser. Then in Finder, select Go To Folder from the Go menu and enter this location:

/Library/Audio/Apple Loops/Apple

In your Finder window, you'll see a folder called "Apple Loops for Garageband". Drag that on to your loops browser in Garageband, and it will reindex all the loops.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition Starter Set (Red Box) Review

After taking a 20 year break from roleplaying, on a whim I bought this for Christmas 2012, as a gift to my kids (honestly, it was for them really, totally not for me):

Here's my quick review of the D&D 4e Red Box starter set.

What's in the Box


I bought this under the false impression that it came with a stripped-down player's handbook and DM's guide. It does not. The Player's book is essentially a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure style story that talks you through building up a character by taking you on a short quest and translating your decisions along the way into parts of your character sheet. The Dungeon Master's book contains some basic rules of play, such as tips on roleplaying and combat, a short group adventure, some instructions for creating your own scenarios, and a small selection of monsters to use.

The set also contains a large double-sided fold-out set of maps, player and monster tokens, power cards, and a set of polyhedral dice.

The Good


Rather than letting my kids build their characters themselves through the solo adventure, I chose to DM it for them (the youngest is 5 after all). They enjoyed this, although it gets repetitive to have to use the same adventure to create lots of player characters. Sadly there are no reference instructions on character creation in this set, you really have to use the solo adventure or nothing else.

Once they'd got their characters build, I DM'd the group adventure for them, and we all had great fun. 4th edition D&D (and this box set in particular) get a lot of flak, but as a joint Christmas present it was definitely worth it. I ended up using it as a tool to teach my kids what Roleplaying Games are and how you play them. I'm not sure how well any of us would have fared if I hadn't done in all before (albeit years ago).

The kids found the power cards handy to quickly check what their abilities were and how they worked. The dice included are functional (luckily I'm not a dice connoisseur, and there was no way I was going to dig through my loft to find the dozens I had as a kid). The map poster is usable and so are the character and monster tokens, although I recommend getting some zip-lock bags for those to keep them sorted.

The Not so Good


I can't avoid mentioning that half the box is cardboard filler - literally a cardboard wedge. There's also a lot of hate for this box set on the internet for various reasons. This set is based on the 'Essentials' rules, which differ slightly from the full 4th edition rules, which themselves have their own naysayers. Having taken a huge break from D&D since Advanced D&D 2nd Edition, I don't think I'm qualified to judge why any edition is better than any other, but a lot of comments certainly smack of the usual Internet trope of "I like my thing and your thing sucks!".

So far, I've no complaints with 4th edition. It's an odd time to start playing it, as 5th edition (or D&D Next) is being play-tested, and a lot of people still fight for the 3.5 rules. But there's a lot of 4th edition material out there, it is based on the d20 system (along with a lot of other RPGs) and unless you're really hardcore about your RPGs, I don't think you're going to have a problem.

The most frustrating thing for me was not having a proper reference for character creation. You just have to go through that same solo adventure over and over again to get it done. You're going to be aching for the full core rule books very soon into playing this.

Verdict


I think a lot of the critics are maybe missing the point of this set. If you have any experience of RPGs at all, you're going to find lots of holes to pick. But consider the challenge for Wizards of the Coast: to create a Starter set in the proper meaning of the word, that introduces a game and allows you to play it if you're new to even the concept of pen and paper roleplaying. Most of us were lucky enough to be drawn into it via friends and relatives, but if you're completely new to RPGs it is a tricky concept. Maybe the only way to baby step people into it is through a set like this.

Overall, even with its faults, we had a blast with this set over Christmas. It reminded me how much I love roleplaying, and now I'm fully back into it.


It goes in and out of stock at Amazon, but they usually list other sellers that may have it. If you've played D&D before, you should maybe just see it as a box of maps, dice and counters.

If you've played before, Wizards of the Coast actually put the quick-start rules online for free:
Quick Start Rules - Wizards of the Coast

And the first published D&D 4th edition supplement is online for free:
Keep on the Shadowfell - Wizards of the Coast

But personally I think you'd struggle to play that without the full core rulebooks.

Also of note, the d20 system that D&D 4th edition is based on, available for free under the Open Gaming License:
http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=d20/article/srdarchive

And finally, if you're married to the 3.5 rules (not judging - never played 'em) I'm sure you won't let me get away without mentioning Pathfinder. As its also based on 3.5's open d20 system, there's a free resource for Pathfinder online here:
http://www.d20pfsrd.com

Adventure!

A £20 VPN Router: OpenWRT and the TP-Link TL-WR841N

I use a PPTP VPN service regularly, but it only allows a single continuous connection so it can't be shared easily between multiple devices (although my provider is happy for that single connection to come from a router however). So I decided to find and configure a router to maintain a VPN connection, and route specific devices on my network across the VPN link. The steps below may help you to do the same thing.

Standard disclaimer: Anything you do to your router will no doubt invalid its warranty, and if you're really unlucky you might even brick the thing completely. If you follow my instructions you've taken this risk upon yourself. Don't blame me if something goes wrong!

I used OpenWRT, a Linux distribution for embedded devices. OpenWRT is open source and has a great community providing all manner of additional packages, and more importantly pre-built images for dozens of popular devices.

The device I used was the TP-Link TL-WR841N Wireless N Cable Router. There are all manner of TP-Link routers available that run OpenWRT, but I was trying to get the cheapest possible device that would still accomplish what I wanted (I'm broke). If you can spend a bit more money, there are models with extra antennae, and gigabit ethernet (which would have been nice to have). If you are looking at this model in particular, you may see it referred to as the WR841N and WR841ND. These are the same device, the only difference being the antennae are detachable on the ND version. So for the purposes of hacking the thing, it's the same.

For the purposes of this post, I'm going to assume you have already set up OpenWRT to accomplish basic tasks (provide a local network and WiFi, connect to your ISP etc.) and you're just here for the PPTP VPN goodness. It would take me too long to cover all the basics and they are already very well documented at the OpenWRT Wiki.

In a nutshell, I used this firmware image:
openwrt-ar71xx-generic-tl-wr841n-v8-squashfs-factory.bin

And followed the initial installation steps found here:
http://wiki.openwrt.org/toh/tp-link/tl-wr841nd
here: http://wiki.openwrt.org/doc/howto/firstlogin
and here: http://wiki.openwrt.org/doc/howto/basic.config

Now for the fun stuff.

Install PPTP VPN Client


Login via SSH and install the necessary packages:

opkg update
opkg install ppp-mod-pptp

Next, you'll need to edit the /etc/network/interfaces files and and append the following, replacing the server name and credentials with those from your VPN provider:

config 'interface' 'vpn' 
        option 'ifname'    'pptp-vpn'  
        option 'proto'     'pptp'
        option 'username'  'vpnusername'
        option 'password'  'vpnpassword'
        option 'server'    'vpn.example.org or ipaddress' 
        option 'buffering' '1' 

You can use vi to edit the file. If you're new to vi, have a quick read of this page.

You can now bring the interface up with this command:

ifup vpn

Wait a few seconds for the VPN connection to handshake and you should be able to see an interface called pptp-vpn:

root@OpenWrt:~# ifconfig -a
pptp-vpn  Link encap:Point-to-Point Protocol  

          inet addr:xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx  P-t-P:xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx  Mask:255.255.255.255
          UP POINTOPOINT RUNNING NOARP MULTICAST  MTU:1400  Metric:1
          RX packets:59720 errors:0 dropped:0 overruns:0 frame:0
          TX packets:8 errors:0 dropped:0 overruns:0 carrier:0
          collisions:0 txqueuelen:3 
          RX bytes:2152092 (2.0 MiB)  TX bytes:80 (80.0 B)


Your VPN interface is now up, but you're not using it. The first thing you need to do is add the interface to a firewall zone. It's easier to do this from LuCi, the web interface. In fact, if we'd done the whole thing though LuCi it would have done this for you - but it would have also steamrollered the routing, which we'll come to in a moment.

Login to the web interface, select Network > Interfaces and click 'Edit' on the VPN interface. Select 'Firewall Settings' and add the VPN to the WAN firewall zone. This grants the same firewall permissions to the VPN route as your standard default route (your WAN connection).

Set up DHCP and static assignments


We're going to do some clever routing in a minute, but a prerequisite for this is that devices on your network have fixed IP addresses. This way we can create rules for them that determine which route they use to connect to the Internet.

There are several ways to achieve this, but perhaps the easiest (from a device point of view) is to ensure that your DHCP server always gives the same IP address to the same device.

In LuCi, select Network > DHCP and DNS. You will see a list of existing DHCP leases, and at the bottom of the page you can click the Add button to add static leases. Here you can pick a device by its MAC address or by its current IP address, and then pick a static IP. The static IP should be part of your network obviously, so if your LAN uses the 192.168.1.0/24 network, you can pick any IP from 192.168.1.2 to 192.168.1.254.

You'll need your device (laptop, phone etc.) to renew its DHCP lease. It may not pick up the new IP immediately. Make a note of the IP addresses you want to route through the VPN.

Set up Routing Tables


For this next trick, you'll need the ip package (formerly iproute2) which you may not have. To install it, type:

opkg install ip

Now you'll need to edit the file /etc/iproute2/rt_tables, which ip creates. Edit in in vi of course! You're going to add a line specifying route table 10 for the VPN. When you're done it should look like this:


#
# reserved values
#
255  local
254  main
253  default
10   vpn
0    unspec
#
# local
#
#1   inr.ruhelp

Now we've created a new table specifically for VPN routes, we'll add some devices to it. Say we have 2 computers that we want to traverse our VPN with IP addresses of 192.168.1.35 and 192.168.1.45. Enter the following commands:


ip rule add from 192.168.1.35 table vpn
ip rule add from 192.168.1.45 table vpn

Now we just tell the router what to do with devices in this table:

ip route add default via <tunnel_ip> dev pptp-vpn table vpn

Replace <tunnel_ip> with the IP address shown as 'inet addr' (the first one) in the ifconfig output above. Make sure you're taking it from the pptp-vpn bit of the ifconfig output.

That's it! Give your router a few seconds to sort its cache out, and then try browsing whatsmyip.net from one of those devices. You should see your VPN address.



Scripts


Your VPN connection may not stay alive for ever. If it fails (mine seems to once or twice a day), your router should automatically reconnect it, but you'll end up with a different IP address. Your routing table will no longer be able to route those devices to that IP. Rather than log in and update the route every time this happens, I created the following script:


#!/bin/sh

VPNIP=`ip addr show pptp-vpn | sed -n '3p' | awk '{ print $2 }'`
ROUTE=`ip route show table vpn | awk '{ print $3 }'`

if [ "$VPNIP" != "$ROUTE" ]; then
    ip route add default via $VPNIP dev pptp-vpn table vpn
fi

This script will check if the VPN route is out of sync with the VPN IP address, and update it if necessary. You can even run this every minute from cron. 

First, save the script as /root/checkvpn.sh.

Then, navigate to System > Scheduled Tasks in LuCi, and add the following:

* * * * * /root/checkvpn.sh


Another handy tip is to create some scripts on your local computers to add themselves, or remove themselves from the VPN table. You can do these as shell scripts, make desktop shortcuts to them etc... the specifics will vary depending on your platform. The main requirement is that you have SSH key authentication set up (so you don't have to enter a password every time).

Then just create an on-script that uses ssh to send the command:

ssh root@192.168.1.1 'ip rule add from 192.168.1.35 table vpn'

An off script would look like this:

ssh root@192.168.1.1 'ip rule del from 192.168.1.35 table vpn'

These examples are assuming your IP is 192.168.1.35 of course. Bear in mind that these commands append or remove rules from a routing table. So if you accidentally add the 'on' rule 3 times, you'll need to delete it 3 times as well.

Happy VPNing! Any helpful comments or corrections gratefully received.



Friday, 18 January 2013

roll20.net is Awesome

You heard me. roll20.net is awesome. Seriously awesome. Combine your roll20 game with a Google Hangout and this happens:



Keep on the Shadowfell: Part One

This is part one of a continuing series documenting the heroic deeds of the worthy adventurers I DM for once a fortnight. It's primarily here so I can remember what the hell was going on in the last game.

Searos Swordsteel, the brave dwarven Paladin, joined forces with Marroar Kittenstouch, a newly qualified eladrin Wizard, in the small town of Thornvale, to create an adventuring party called "Action Against Evil". Almost immediately their talents were called upon by the wife of local eccentric explorer Douven Staul. Douven had travelled three months ago for the distant town of Winterhaven to explore the ruins of a dragon's tomb, in search of treasure. Douven was a cautious explorer who should have returned weeks ago. His wife begged Searos and Marroar to locate her missing husband, and in keeping with their alignment, they agreed.

As they packed up to leave Thornvale, they were visited by Marla, priestess of the Great Church of Pelor, who warned the adventurers about death cultists that have been travelling to Winterhaven. Marla told them of a dangerous priest named Kalarel who was rumoured to be assembling a cult for some nefarious purpose, and she offers 250 gold pieces in return for proof that the cult has been destroyed.

Several days travel pass without incident, but not far from Winterhaven, the party is set upon by a small band of Kobolds. Springing from behind boulders, they launch a surprise attack with their spears and swords. Marroar unleashes terrible magical thunderwaves, but Searos struggles to maintain the grip on his second hand battleaxe. The fierce battle reaches a crescendo of dazzling magic and clashing steel, when suddenly Scrindrel Munificent, the elven Ranger, appears on the scene and after loosing a single arrow, sits down to make a small fire. Marroar's magic defeats the last of the kobolds, and welcoming Scrindrel to their team, the adventurer's finally reach the village of Winterhaven.

They spend the night at Wrafton's Inn and learn more information about the location of the dragon's tomb, as well as disturbing information regarding some sort of ruined keep to the north. Lord Padraig, the authority of Winterhaven, offers the adventurers a reward of 100 gold pieces to vanquish the Kobolds once and for all. The next morning they upgrade their armour and weapons at the local market before heading out of town to the south, to investigate the dragon's burial site further.

However, as soon as the team leave Winterhaven, they are ambushed by Kobolds, one of whom carries a sling with magical ammunition. Marroar is set on fire, and Scrindrel is immobilised by a strange white gooey substance. The battle is fierce, despite the intervention of Avandra, Searos' deity, who helps to incinerate a Kobold with divine light. It looks like all may be lost, as Marroar is knocked unconscious and must receive a laying on of hands from Searos. Finally, thanks to some powerful magic and some well-placed arrows, the Kobolds lie slain.

Will the adventurer's finally reach the dragon's tomb without incident? Stay tuned!


Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Flowroute SIP trunks and UTF weirdness in Asterisk

On the off chance this helps the one other person in the world who finds themselves in the same situation, here's a small tip if you're using Flowroute as a SIP trunk and Asterisk 11. This will save you hours of staring at SIP debug traces (which have been proven to increase thoughts of suicide in sample groups).

Flowroute like you to use IP Authentication, which means you pre-approve your outgoing IP addresses with them and prefix your numbers with a tag, like 1234567#

Asterisk 11, in its infinite wisdom, converts that hash to its UTF equivalent: %23. This gets sent in the SIP packet, rendering it useless (or at least, not understood by Flowroute). You'll probably see some errors like:

SIP/2.0 404 Invalid dialing format
SIP/2.0 401 Unauthorized

You'll then spend a few hours scouring Digium's bug tracker and forums to find a variety of folks claiming that its already been fixed, or asking you to apply their own patch to chan_sip.c and recompile it. All you actually need to do is change the # to a * in the tag.

Asterisk 11 does not mess with it, and Flowroute accepts it.

Like I said, this may help no one ever, but if it does help one person, it might help them a lot.

Friday, 11 January 2013

Skyfall vs. Community (and I swear I'm not going to start talking about Big Bang Theory)

If you don't laugh and cry watching this mash-up, you've clearly never seen one of the best written and most original comedies in TV history.


If Season 4 doesn't live up to expectations, well... then I guess I'll just keep watching the first 3 on Netflix over and over again.

I posted this because I thought long and hard about posting something about The Big Bang Theory, and I really didn't want to jump on the bandwagon of criticising it. I'm walking next to the bandwagon, slowly. I'm not really keeping up with it, for the moment at least.

It's just... look. I am not getting into this Big Bang vs. Community thing. It's perfectly okay for some people to like one thing and other people to like a different thing (see my lame rage comic on the subject). But in the midst of all the anti-BBT diatribes there are a few rational commenters saying, look, it's not just as funny as it used to be. The humour doesn't use references anymore that make us feel good when we get them. It mainly centres around making fun of people. Wether we're mocking the guys for being losers, or Penny for not understanding Leonard's job, or Raj because he's apparently neurologically unaware of how every other thing he says is a homosexual innuendo*. And if all we're doing is making fun of people, well, that's just mean. Mean isn't funny.

I'm going to stop myself in a second, but I just have to off-load a few things about this week's episode (US schedule). The central theme is that the guys are made to feel shitty about who they are again. Everyone makes fun of them because they love Star Trek. I mean, they love a thing. It makes them feel good. It could be pottery or fencing, football or morris dancing. It's just a thing that makes them feel good, but everyone makes fun of them for it, and the audience has a good laugh at them as well. And that's it - this issue isn't dealt with. Spoiler alert - they just give up and go home. Sheldon actually says he doesn't want to go outside anymore. I'm no writer, but that's not a story arc. If this isn't a setup for some triumph in the next episode, it's just goddamn depressing.

2 more things, then I'll shut up, I promise. There's a big laugh when the girls go to the comic book store. I mean, think about it! Girls buying comics! That never happens, right? That's hilarious! Ugh.

And this. I think there's one dude in the writers' room for BBT who actually loves the culture that Chuck Lorre has decided to mock (now it's made him a little bit richer). So he's dicking with it. On several occasions Howard refers to the group as a "landing party" from the Starship Enterprise. The TNG Enterprise. It's even the hook of the final scene. But as we all know, there are no "landing parties" in TNG....

They're "AWAY TEAMS".

Okay, I've gone too far. But the thought of this lone writer, wearing a d20 t-shirt without irony in the writers' room gives me hope. I'll give it one more chance.

(* In your endo.)


Wednesday, 9 January 2013

All Internet Comments

I made a thing, out of exasperation. You can apply the following to any online debate you like, from the self-congratulatory commenters of CiF to the gutters of YouTube.



This is why I don't go outside.

(Spot the deliberate mistake? Correct use of "you're")

A government of millionaires

Sometimes I wonder if Cameron, Osbourne and others of their ilk are ignorant of the human suffering they cause, or just indifferent to it? I read this today:


And then crawled back under my nice safe rock where I try not to think about things.

Friday, 4 January 2013

Jon Ronson's Adventures with Extraordinary People

With a few days left to go, I've just found out that there are some ridiculously cheap e-books to be had at Amazon's 12 days of Kindle. I mean it's mostly chaff, but look what I found:

Jon Ronson's Adventures With Extraordinary People is a compilation of 3 books: Them (Adventures with Extremists), The Men Who Stare at Goats and The Psychopath Test. I just picked up the last one in paperback from Rise, but I've read the first two and they're great fun. If you're completely new to Ronson you're in for a treat.

Also in the sale, this little trilogy of five. If you haven't read it yet, I don't want to talk to you.

Legend of Grimrock

I was lucky enough to nab Legend of Grimrock in the most recent Humble Indie Bundle. It is staggeringly good. You really should buy it (and feel extra karmic as you're supporting an indie game studio).



If you're old like me, you might be reminded of Dungeon Master on the Atari ST (unless you were one of those crazy Amiga fans), clearly Grimrock's original inspiration. Grimrock has it all and spades more: 4 player characters, dungeon crawling, levelling, spells, weapons, armour, items, you name it. And now there's a dungeon designer included! And oh my god the mods!

It's available for Mac, Linux, and even those horrible Windows things people insist on using.

Just go buy it already.