Please pay extra to not suffer this terrible film in 3D

Here's the conversation I had a few weekends ago with the Vue Cinemas ticket booking system on their website:

Me: I'd like to book some tickets please.
Vue: Sure, go right ahead.
Me: So it's me and 3 kids, this showing please.
Vue: Okay, here's the ticket price.
Me: Great.
Vue: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and give me some more money.
Me: What? Why?
Vue: It's a booking fee. For using the service.
Me: But I'm buying the service. Why do I have to pay to buy the service?
Vue: Think of it like a tip. Or a tax. Or if someone stole from you.
Me: But the fee is higher than the price of one of these tickets.
Vue: Sure, well if you don't want to book online, just turn up and pay at the kiosk.
Me: Maybe I will.
Vue: Of course, unless you get here early we may have sold out of tickets for that particular screening.
Me: I see.
Vue: And then you'll have to go see the 3D version instead. We'll have plenty of tickets left for that. 
Me: But I don't want to see the film in 3D! It's a horrible gimmick that adds nothing to the cinematic experience! The picture quality is lousy and you have ridiculous plastic glasses in your peripheral vision all the time!
Vue: What else are you going to do? Go home without seeing any movie at all? Disappoint your kids like that?
Me: Fine! I'll pay the booking fee.
Vue: Good choice. Click here.
Me: Okay.

(time passes)

Me: I clicked. Why aren't you doing anything?
Vue: Hi, how can I help you?
Me: I was trying to book tickets?
Vue: Oh yeah, sorry. I must have drifted off there. Please try again. Click here.
Me: Okay.

(more time passes)

Me: Hello?
Vue: Hi, how can I help you?
Me: Seriously? You keep timing out.
Vue: Oh sorry. Yeah that happens some times. I think I need an upgrade... maybe if we increased the booking fee we could afford it. Please try again.
Me: Okay.
Vue: Hmm, your payment has been declined due to a fraud check. It might mean that someone is trying to use your card over and over again with the same merchant. 
Me: DUDE WTF

(rage quit)

Keep on the Shadowfell: Part Three

This is part three of a continuing series documenting the heroic deeds of the worthy adventurers I DM for once a fortnight. It's primarily here so I can remember what the hell was going on in the last game. Read parts: one, two.

So it was that our brave group of adventurers, Searos, Marroar, Scrindrel and Giovana, were unable to shake Marvin, son of Lord Padraig, and his irritable tendency to remind them about the whole Kobold thing every 5 minutes. Marvin led them finally to the site of the Kobold hide-out, carved into the rock beneath a waterfall.

Led by Scrindrel the Ranger, the group crept stealthily towards the Kobolds using the trees as cover, completely undetected until Searos, the fat-footed, stood on a massive branch and snapped it in twain. The Kobolds attacked! The battle can only be described as lengthy and complicated, so numerous were the Kobolds, but there was much clashing of swords, loosing of arrows and casting of spells. Before the final Kobold was slain he was able to flee into the caves to warn his comrades that they were under attack.

Thus, when our brave adventurers entered the caves they were immediately presented with interesting new opportunities for death. Larger and more heavily-armed Kobolds awaited, and the battle continued. At several moments our party thought they had met their match, and had to retreat to heal themselves. Giovana the cleric was kept very busy tending to the injuries of those who kept rolling shitty dice.

Upon seeing the leader of the Kobolds, Irontooh, a giant snarling wretch dressed in skulls and mis-matched fabrics, Marvin leapt into a terrible rage! For Irontooth had once brutally murdered Marvin's cat, for no apparent reason! Marvin, unable to realise when he was overpowered, or to take a hint, kept attacking Irontooth, despite being almost killed several times by his dual battleaxe-wielding prowess.

At long last, exhausted and bloodied, Marroar, Scrindrel and the rest of of them (you should know their names by now) defeated Irontooh, and claimed his reasonable hold of treasure, which included some fetching new +1 dwarven chainmail for Searos.

Now our party must return to Winterhaven to rest, to heal their wounds, and to get rid of Marvin, who frankly, is just a fucking liability.

Rage

If the 1&1 Internet web-based control panel was a physical object, and it was within my reach, right now this would be happening:

Keep on the Shadowfell: Part Two

This is part two of a continuing series documenting the heroic deeds of the worthy adventurers I DM for once a fortnight. It's primarily here so I can remember what the hell was going on in the last game. Read part one here.

On the King's Road outside Winterhaven our brave adventurers Searos, Marroar and Scrindrel were recovering after a near-death encounter with some bloodthirsty kobolds. Lacking a healer in the group, the fight had been hard-going. But as luck would have it, a cleric from Winterhaven had heard of their brave plans and decided to join them. Giovana Bruno was her name, and healing spells were her game.

As the newly rejuvinated party were about to set off in search of the dragon's burial site, more good fortune befell them as another brave adventurer joined them. Marvin, son of Lord Padraig, had come at his father's behest to aid the party in defeating the kobolds, who had been a blight on the town of Winterhaven for far too long.

The party alighted on the dragon's burial site, a huge excavation punching a hole in the wilderness. The dig was being manned by several simple looking humanoids, under the direction of a shady looking gnome, and guarded by 2 fearsome drakes.

At first Agrid the gnome tried to convince Marroar and co. that there was nothing of interest in the dig and that they should move along. But as soon as he realised that the adventurers weren't going to give up so easily, he beckoned them closer, luring them into the path of the guard drakes. At an opportunistic moment, he commanded them to attack. The humanoids also turned their tools into weapons and descended.

A fierce battle broke out. As the guard drakes bit viciously at Giovana and Marvin, a strange spectral apparition appeared on the opposite site of the excavation. It appeared to be none other than Kalarel himself! He immediately cast dark magic, and an evil cloud of smoke flew around Marroar, forming terrible claws and paralysing him in mid-air.

Scrindrel took up a sniping position and began to loose arrows at the evil priest. Marroar was able to free himself from the evil smoky claws but they then reformed around Scrindrel. Giovana summoned her deity's light to smite the humanoids, as Marvin continued to tackle the drakes, and Searos headed for Agrid to take him out.

As each humanoid was slain, terrible words of magic were heard from Kalarel and they were reanimated as undead soldiers. Marroar cast a terrible thunder wave which destroyed most of the humanoids and bloodied the drakes, and finally Scrindrel freed himself of the terrible smoke and continued his assault on Kalarel.

Eventually the undead humanoids and the drakes were slain. Searos and Agrid were locked in a terrible dance of gnome-on-dwarf violence. Hammer strikes and pick-axe blows were traded back and forth by the vertically-challenged foes. In a dying breath, Agrid screamed "Kalarel! I have failed you!" and collapsed in a moderate-sized heap. Finally the group could turn their attention to destroying Kalarel, but as he was defeated they realised that he was just a spectral apparition, and not the real Kalarel.

Searching the dig site, bound and gagged and hidden under some blankets, Marroar discovered Douven, the explorer who had been missing from Thornvale for many weeks. Delighted to be freed, he made a gift of a +1 Amulet of Health to the group, and went on his way.

The party was overjoyed by their triumph (and edging ever closer to levelling up). But Marvin reminded them of his father's quest, and after making camp and enjoying a good rest, they set out to destroy the kobolds once and for all.